SGA Fic: Four Ridiculous Lorne AU Snapshots (McKay, Parrish, Ford, Lorne, Lorne/McKay; PG-13)
[Next entry: "SGA Fic: Distracting (Lorne/Parrish; R)"]
07/29/2007: "SGA Fic: Four Ridiculous Lorne AU Snapshots (McKay, Parrish, Ford, Lorne, Lorne/McKay; PG-13)"
Title: Four Ridiculous Lorne AU snapshots
Characters: Lorne, McKay, Parrish, Ford (Lorne/McKay)
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Four shortish (some shorter than others) AU snapshots of Lorne living an AU life.
Notes: First snapshot comes from a conversation about CSIS with mklutz. Fourth snapshot was mklutz's idea. Also, she totally encouraged me. BTW, CSIS is the Canadian Security Intelligence Service.
1. The one where Lorne and McKay work for CSIS, and CSIS knows the way of the ninja
The most annoying thing about working for CSIS is the obligatory three-week stint ninja training the new recruits. It's frustrating – they can't really show the recruits what to do, because once you've mastered ninja stealth, you can't stop using it. It's almost impossible to teach someone your moves when they can't see you doing them.
"You have to think ninja!" McKay yells, impatient. "If you can't get into the ninja mindset, you might as well be working for the RCMP! Or your local police force, god forbid."
The recruits manage to look both horrified at the thought, and slightly eager to leave CSIS if it means getting away from McKay.
Lorne just grins. McKay is a force of nature, that's for damn sure. And his ninja skills are top notch. Lorne has long since mastered the arts of ninja, and even he can barely see McKay when he gets in full-fledged ninja mode.
It's kind of hot.
McKay knows it.
The new recruits look exhausted. It's Lorne's turn to get involved. Stepping away from the wall, he clears his throat. The recruits look over, all of them slightly stunned to see someone apparently appear out of nowhere. He smiles, and gets a few tentative grins in reply. "You all need to get centred. Get out of those chairs, and sit on the floor."
"Oh wonderful," McKay mutters, "now they're going to all hold hands and pretend that they're not complete failures and an embarrassment to the service and their country. What is this? Sunday school? Yes, yes, let's just forget that we're trying to train the next generation of protectors of the nation."
Lorne just rolls his eyes. It's an old routine, but the fact is, somehow the two of them have the best rate of successful new recruit training. Maybe it's because McKay's goading encourages them to push harder. Maybe it's because Lorne's just friendly. Maybe it's because together, they make a great team. Even on surveillance ops.
Maybe it's because on their off hours, he and McKay are fucking like crazed bison, and the recruits somehow pick up on that vibe. Sure, it's technically against regs, but hell. This is Canada, no one really cares. And if they did? McKay and Lorne are two of the best (probably the best, to be honest), and stealthiest ninja-trained CSIS operatives, and no one would ever catch them.
Lorne slides to the floor, and McKay sits down next to him, grumbling the whole time. "All right," Lorne says. "Take a deep breath. Close your eyes. Start thinking about the world around you."
He walks them through their first centring exercise, only half concentrating on it. He could do this in his sleep. Later, he and McKay have plans. Plans that involve Lorne's hallway, his bed, and later, his shower.
Also, they'll probably grab some spring rolls or something on the way home. Two hundred of them.
Training new recruits makes Lorne hungry.
(And of course, CSIS needs to send some spies on the Atlantis Expedition. That conversation goes something like this: )
"So. What do you think of this Stargate Command stuff?" McKay slaps the dossier down on the table.
Lorne shrugs, not looking up from his copies of pictures of the Stargate. "I think it's crap. We're expected to believe this? It's some kind of diversion. Aliens?"
"It's real," McKay says. "It explains a lot of things, some of the science that has been coming out of the US lately. Odd stuff, stuff by some unknown named Samantha Carter. I couldn't figure it out, but I'm seeing patterns now. Alien tech, explanations of wormholes. It fits. And did you see? Atlantis?"
"Travelling to another galaxy? Right."
"New personnel are going to be joining the expedition. You and I? We're going. I'm going Canadian contingent. Rodney McKay, PhD, genius, and certainly not a CSIS spy. You? You're going to be US military." He laughs as he says it. "Practice your American accent."
As if he needs to practice. Accents are one of his skills. "Anyone else coming?"
"Chuck, obviously. He's going as part of the Canadian contingent too. We'll need him."
Yeah, Lorne can see that. Chuck's ninja skills are strong.
"I think we're going to be able to get you in as the military second in command." McKay opens his dossier and pulls out a picture. "You'll be reporting to this guy, apparently. Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard."
The guy looks like he spends way too much time on his hair.
It's kind of cool.
"By the way," McKay says, "if he lived in Canada? He'd be out and proud."
"That's in his file?"
"No," McKay scoffs. "Look at that hair. Poor US military saps."
Yeah. It's got to suck.
Later, they fuck in Lorne's office. It's after hours, no one cares.
"Shit. If I'm going to be US military, we're not going to be able to do this on Atlantis," he says, as he pulls McKay's shirt out of his pants. Jesus, McKay has soft skin for such a contrary bastard.
"Whatever," McKay says, his mouth sliding along Lorne's jaw. "No one will notice. Anyway, I've heard about Elizabeth Weir. She's not going to care. Just don't jump me in the lab I'm going to have, and I won't grab your ass in the hallway. Just like I don't here."
Lorne thinks back to three minutes ago, before they stepped into his office. McKay had certainly grabbed his ass out there. "Yeah, this is going to work out great," he mutters, and shoves his hand inside McKay's pants.
"Shut up, doubter." And then McKay's mouth is on Lorne's, and Lorne is happy to shut up.
2. The one where Lorne comes up with the game concepts, and McKay makes them work.
Lorne sets his notes down on the table. "It's about people who take a wormhole to the future – through a mysterious gate – and end up fighting aliens different kinds of aliens. Some are like vampires, some are like those bug things in the episode of Star Trek the Next Generation – the ones that took over the minds/bodies of the humans –
"—concept rip off –" Weir interrupts.
"—except that they're snakes instead of bugs." He leans back against his chair. "I have a whole story arc mapped out. And we can throw in some great FMV for the dialling of the gate. It'll be great."
"We could call it 'Gate to the Future'," Ford says, flipping through Lorne's outline.
"No naming," McKay snaps and glares at Lorne. "Look. Your concept is all wrong. You can't take a wormhole to the future. It's ridiculous. It's contrary to everything that we know about the shape of the universe."
"It's a game, McKay." McKay might be a genius at making the concepts work, but he's a real pain in the ass sometimes. "It doesn't have to be accurate."
"And who plays our games? Hmm? Anyone, anyone? What demographic buys into Atlantis Gaming Systems? Geeks. And you know how geeks get about things having some semblance of accuracy."
Yeah. He kind of does. He remembers that E3 convention, the one where they got bombarded with all kinds of crazed questions. It still makes him shudder. He and McKay had gotten wasted that night, and McKay had vowed to never, ever underestimate the fanaticism of their demographic again. "So. You're saying?"
"We can make this work. Your sketches are great. But they're not gating to the future. They're gating to. Um. The stars. Far away stars." McKay is already making notes. "Throw in some basic physics, it'll keep the geeks happy, and then we can…"
Ford looks at Lorne. "I really liked the idea of gating to the future. And I thought the name was cool."
Lorne grins. "Don't worry. We'll put a character based on you into the story."
3. The one where Lorne works in the military porn industry, and McKay is the director.
"I don't know," Lorne says, looking up from the script. "I just thought there would be more dialogue. A bit of a plot."
McKay rolls his eyes. "This is gay porn. What do you want from me?"
"Some lines?"
"Jesus, Lorne, people don't care about what your mouth says. They care about what it does. And also, they care about your abs. Which, I've got to say, are looking really great lately. What are you doing?"
Lorne grins. "Oh, I'm –"
Waving his hands, McKay says, "Never mind. I don't really care. You look great. Can you just get your pants off so that we can start filming?" He turns away, yelling for his personal assistant. "Ford! Where the hell is Sheppard? We've got to get this scene done today."
Lorne tries not to resent that Sheppard always gets the lines. Mostly, Lorne just says, "Yes, sir," and "Fuck me, sir." Once, just once, he'd like to say something else. Anything else.
Then again, Sheppard is really hot, and later on in the day, they're bringing in Ronon, so really, it could be a lot worse.
4. The one where Parrish develops some killer plants, and Lorne has to deal with them.
"What were you thinking?" Lorne yells, as he sprays fire at the plants. They shrink back a little, but their jaws are still snapping.
"I just thought. They could work for us! They could farm for us! Harvest with their jaws! It would save on fossil fuel usage!" Parrish yells back, his expression terrified. "I was trying to save the world!"
Fucking scientists. They never learn. And it means that people like Lorne have to come along and deal with the outcome.
At least the plants aren't killer robots. Robots are beyond his training.
"Next time you ask me for that much fertilizer, you aren't getting it," he says, pulling Parrish around a corner, and pushing him out the door, "I don't care how cute you are." He just hopes that the fires he's managed to start will lead to an explosion big enough to destroy the whole greenhouse. Thank god Parrish heats the greenhouse with gas.
They run, getting behind Lorne's truck and crouching down. Parrish is gasping, his breath coming in stutters. "I'm really sorry," he manages, after a few moments.
Lorne shrugs, and then he hears the breaking of glass. "Sounds like they're getting out."
"I'm so sorry!"
More breaking glass, and then a dull thud. Shit. "Stay down," he says, and the greenhouse explodes behind them.
He'd never expected this when he'd bought his Weed Man franchise.
Still, it made for some exciting times. Better than aerating Mrs. Weir's lawn, that was for damn sure.
End
