08/12/2007: "Firefly Fic: Glamour (Kaylee, PG)"

Title: Glamour
Character: Kaylee
Rating: PG
Summary: The glamour fades from Kaylee's life.
Disclaimer: Clearly I claim no ownership to the Firefly 'verse or its characters; nor am I making money from this fic writing thing.

Little by little, the glamour fades from Kaylee's life.

It started with Inara. At first, she just spent more and more time away from Serenity, taking jobs that kept her busy for days, sometimes weeks at a time. When she came back, she always said she was tired, and she didn't have as much time to trade stories with Kaylee.

The next step wasn't sudden, but even after it happened, Kaylee couldn't quite believe it. Inara left the ship.

Kaylee isn't sure why Inara went. Maybe it was one too many times getting hurt by a stowaway, or too many near misses with Alliance or Reavers.

Maybe it was whatever was going on between her and Mal. Kaylee wouldn't have been surprised if Inara had just come out and said that Mal had driven her away, for one reason or another. But she never did. She just said she was leaving.

When Inara made her announcement, Serenity wasn't real close to where she wanted to go. So there were a few weeks before she left. Still, eventually the planet was within range of Serenity's flight path, and she'd had Wash pilot her there.

When Wash brought the shuttle back, Kaylee had gone inside with her tools, telling herself she had to do a checkup. It had been cold and dull, nothing like Inara's old rooms. Nothing was left of her, not small scraps of fine cloth, not even stray hairs.

She'd been standing in the middle of the shuttle when the captain came in. He hadn't said much, at first just being all quiet. Finally, he'd turned to her and said, "You gonna make sure she's in running order?"

"Yeah."

"Good." There was a small pause before he continued, "It'll be good to have a spare shuttle sometimes. When things get rough."

When don't things get rough, Kaylee wanted to ask. He was right, but she couldn't help feel like he was trying to convince himself. She moved to his side and tucked her hand inside his arm, leaning her head against his shoulder. He let her hold onto him like that for a while before leaving her alone in the shuttle.Then she got to work.

So Kaylee's life, not what she'd call stable since she joined the crew, changes again. The glamour goes, and there are no more tales of fancy balls and pretty dresses. She doesn't pour through rich fabrics and have her hair brushed and put up in fashionable styles. She stops imagining Inara dancing and teasing men with the subtle ways that Kaylee knows she herself could never master or even understand.

Instead, there is the steady thrum of Serenity's engine, and giggling fun with River. There are brief, formal, waves from Inara, saying how her life was good, and how she was happy, and missed Kaylee.

In one wave, Inara even lets her mask slip and laughs, her eyes sparkling as she says she even misses Mal sometimes. Kaylee saves that wave.

It isn't a life filled with glamour and beauty, but it isn't a bad life. And she still has Simon's shiny ways.

* * *

Life goes on. They got the good and the bad, and when it got real bad, the captain reminded them they are at least all still flying. There are weeks when they are at half-rations, when Kaylee even makes a stew out of the ship rats that Jayne hunts down. With the Shepherd's spices, it ain't half-bad.

Then there come some good months, all in row, when things are real flush. They get good jobs, not easy, but good paying, and everyone is smiley, even Jayne. There's money to spend. After the first decent pay, while Kaylee went off and bought up a spare compression coil and extra fuel cells, Jayne took the new mule out and came back lugging baskets of fruit and vegetables. He grumbled and complained when they
all swooped down on the food like it was their own. But when he thought no one was looking, she watched him, and saw the odd smile on his face, like he didn't quite know what to say in reaction to their pleasure.

After that, Wash doesn't tease him for days, and even Simon sometimes laughs at Jayne's jokes.

That night, Kaylee sits up late on the couch with Simon, eating oranges and exchanging stories. He tells her about more medacad hijinks, she shares her plans for upgrades to Serenity. She ends up drifting asleep on his shoulder, and when she wakes up, he smiles down at her, his eyes a little sad, like he's sorry that she'd been jarred out of her dreams.

They don't say anything, and he doesn't try to kiss her or nothing, but she goes to her bunk happy and full.

* * *

In the middle of the good run, they stop for post. It were a rare thing, the place being out of the way, and the captain saying he couldn't justify a run for post until there was a decent amount waiting.

It's a good day out, and they even manage to pick up another job, one that was on their flight path anyway.

And Kaylee gets mail. Long letters written in her daddy's round writing, each word real carefully spaced; shorter notes from cousins and friends. She gets news about the family, the marriages and babies and tragedies. She cries a little, and laughs at the story about her cousin trying to start up a sheep farm. It isn't hard to imagine the scenes her daddy described, even with his simple words.

She isn't the only one who got mail, neither. There's something for Inara, dusty from waiting for so long. When Mal sees it, his face goes blank for a moment. Then he hands it over to Kaylee without a word.

Wash gets something from someone at his old flight school, and Zoe gets a package that has the two of them grinning and making excuses to get back to Serenity fast.

And Jayne gets a short letter wrapped up in a colourful scarf. He reads the letter then, and there, slowly his lips moving. She waits, 'cause Jayne always shares what his letters say, but when he's done, he just walks out of the post office without saying a word. It's weird, but Kaylee figures maybe he's just in a pissy mood for some reason. It isn't until he comes stumbling back to Serenity hours later that she realises things ain't right.

She's in the kitchen with Simon - again - when Jayne gets back in. He's drunk and has a cut above his eye, the blood dry and flaking. There're grazes on his knuckles, and a bruise forming on his cheek. He gets talkative. He sit right down between them and starts talking about his family. Kaylee tries not to gape, 'cause Jayne talking like that was about as likely as Mal. The stories are garbled and confusing, but eventually she figures out that his brother has died.

"Way back. Back when we were eatin' rats."

She nods. That's the trouble with the long time between mail runs.

"Buried him out back, behind the house."

"You can always go visit him. The grave, I mean."

He nods his head vigorously, "Yep. They coulda used my help buryin' him, though. Even if he was little bitty thing." He turns to her, his face serious. "Sickly. His whole life, one thing after another, and then the damp-lung. You know."

She knows. They all know about the damp-lung and people drowning in their own mucous.

He fingers the scarf around his neck. It's a little worn, and there's dried blood on it too. "It was his scarf. Loved this damn thing. All the colours."

There's a long silence, then Simon says Jayne should get his cut looked at. Jayne, always an affable drunk - one of the few times Kaylee really likes him - nods and stands carefully, then lets Simon half-carry him out of the room. She watches them go, smiling as Jayne suggests that after Simon had cleaned him up, they could go find
Mal and get real drunk. Simon shakes his head, and Kaylee tries to imagine the three of them drunk together.

Simon would probably rile Mal somehow, and end up with a punch to the mouth. It had been a while since that happened, although the last time, Simon had hit Mal right back.

* * *

She sits in the kitchen for a while longer, rereading the letters and daydreaming about home. River wanders in for a space, and there's some confused talk. River's getting better, little-by-little, but Kaylee figures she'll always talk in weird ways. Elliptical, Simon calls it. Kaylee likes the feel of the word. She imagines saying it against Simon's skin, rolling the word around her tongue as she works her mouth down his chest.

River snaps her out of the fantasy by moving close and brushing Kaylee's forehead, sighing. "Not for him. Not like that."

"What?"

River shrugs and picks up Kaylee's letters, folding them into elaborate designs.

* * *

Eventually, she heads for bed. On her way, she swings by the infirmary to say goodnight. Simon never sleeps until real late. She figures that of all of them, only Mal sleeps less. Sure enough, a light is on, and as she walks closer, she hears muted voices. Peering around the half-open door, she sees that Jayne is still there. He's been patched up, but he's still sitting on the examining bed. He's got a glass in one hand and a bottle in the other, and it looks like he convinced Simon to take a drink after all.

She looks a little closer and figures Simon's had more than one drink. As she's watching, Jayne gets off the bed and pours Simon another glassful. They toast -- "To Matty" -- and Jayne downs his drink, reaches down and pulls Simon up off his chair.

Her breath catches as Jayne starts kissing Simon's neck, one hand holding Simon's shoulder. She waits for Simon to haul back and punch Jayne in the mouth, but it doesn't happen, and instead things heat up. So she backs away as quietly as she can.

She wonders what Mal would have said, if he'd been the one to see that. She settles on "Huh."

* * *

Over the next few jobs, she backs off, but watches Simon and Jayne. There are little changes, small things that, if she wasn't looking for, she wouldn't see. That first night, she'd wondered if it would be a one-time fling. Just blowing off steam, Jayne working to keep his mind off things, and Simon being kind.

Not that it's ever been in his way to indulge anyone but River.

But she thinks they're doing it more regular. Sometimes, late at night when she stops by to say 'night, the infirmary is already dark. Sometimes, Simon's working and Jayne's lurking nearby. She gets the hint, and spends less time with Simon and his shiny ways and the manners that make her go all soft inside.

And then, one day, it's real clear that it's over between them. The snarking starts up again, but they ain't real mean to each other. It's like they made a truce. Simon starts seeking out her company again, his manner sweet and courteous. And she knows, 'cause he's told her a little of old girlfriends, or dates gone horribly wrong, that he likes girls as well as boys. So she figures that maybe, just maybe, he could be interested in her.

She tries not to think too much on being pushed aside temporarily by Jayne. It's not like Simon had made any promises to her.

* * *

Still, after Jayne, Kaylee starts to realise that maybe Simon isn't who she thinks. He's kind and smart, and watching him be doctorly is real neat. She likes how he's so good to River, and how he's not afraid to tell Mal his mind. He sometimes thinks up good jobs for them too, and Kaylee's glad, 'cause his ideas are always good, even if they're a little complicated.

He's changed from that day back on Persephone, and Kaylee thinks she likes him more.

They've been spending most of their free time together for weeks, now. Simon comes to the engine room, or she goes to the infirmary, and they talk. She shows him all about Serenity's engine, and recycling system, and he listens when she talks, and laughs at her jokes. One day he just looks at her, his face so open she almost doesn't realise that look is for her. It was the one he saves for River, and Kaylee looks around, trying to see where she is. But River isn't there, and Simon is still looking at her, his eyes wide and happy, his teeth bright and shiny.

And she thinks, soon. Soon it will happen.

But the next day, she comes into the kitchen, and Jayne and Simon are huddled together, and looking kind of angry, and kind of antsy. She backs away quietly, but they don't even notice, so wrapped up in each other. Later, she looks for Simon again, and finally finds him climbing up from Jayne's bunk, his clothes rumpled. He blushes when he sees her, and turns away.

After that she knows she'll never have Simon, not the way she wants. It hurts, more'n Inara leaving, more'n the stops when she don't get mail, more'n a lot of things.

She's sitting in the engine room thinking about it when the captain comes in and starts asking this and that...she doesn't listen, and he gets crabby with her, and then, without meaning to, she starts to cry a little. First Inara, now Simon. It ain't that life ain't good without them, just that they made things a little more shiny, a little more exotic. They were pretty things to latch onto when the 'verse
started treating them all like crap.

After, she thinks it's funny how the captain looked uncomfortable, coming to sit down next to her. He's awkward, and he says, "I ain't payin' for no cryin' mechanic," and it just makes her cry harder. She hears a muttered, "Ah, hell," and then he's patting her arm a little. Serenity's engine thrums behind her, and she's got a full belly and
she's got coin, and a nice captain, even if he would deny it. It's a good life, and she don't need the fancy trappings. There ain't no need for crying, she knows that.

She wipes her eyes and chokes back the sobs, and then sits there a while with him.

Eventually, he asks, "When d'you know it weren't gonna happen?"

Figures he would know what this was all about. She shrugs, her smile slightly wistful. "I ain't sure. Guess I just figured it out piece by piece."

"Yeah?"

"Yep."

They're quiet for a space, wrapped in their own thoughts. Finally, he asks, "You all right about it?"

"I guess."

"It ain't you, you know. Way his kind are brought up, they don't see people like us in that light. We ain't what they think of as desirable, no matter how damn pretty and smart we might be."

She laughs a little. "Cap, are you talkin' about yourself, or me?"

He frowns at her. "You're pretty and damn smart, and you know it. People like Simon though, even if they see it, they ain't gonna be comfortable with it. They're brought up with expectations, and he might be out here now, but that don't mean he don't still have ideas about the right kind of person to love."

Neither of them say anything, but it's clear as day the captain ain't just talking about Simon. It makes her wonder, not for the first time, but more than before, what happened with him and Inara.

"But that don't make sense. Jayne -." She breaks off, 'cause she ain't sure if Mal knows.

But he nods, and she's not real surprised that he picked up on them two. "Yep. Gettin' a little dirty around the edges, workin' off steam. But it ain't nothing that will last. And Kaylee-girl, you deserve someone who'll last, who can see you for all the good you are."

She ain't sure what to say, 'cause he don't usually talk like this. It leaves her feeling awkward. They sit like that for a space more, and then he pushes himself up. "I got captainly duties."

"Yeah. Um. Thanks."

He nods. "Wash says the flight console's actin' up." And he turns around and walks out of the room, leaving Kaylee to gather up her tools and get to the bridge.

* * *

Days later, they're all relaxing, as Serenity moves them to the next job. In the lounge, the kitchen, they've all gathered, happy-like. Wash and Zoe are curled up, talking and looking happy. Simon's occupied with River, but Jayne's giving him the eye. Mal's watching them all, but keeps to himself, mostly.

She sighs a little, and it makes Mal turn her way. He walks over to her, smiling. "What's with the sighin'?"

Looking around, she gestures at the others. "Don't you ever get a little lonely? It's just - lookin' at Wash and Zoe, and even Jayne - I'm just a little lonely."

His brow creases slightly. "Kaylee. Are you makin' a pass at me?" His voice is real quiet.

And she isn't, not really, but it's a fun idea to tease him a little with it. Besides, she wouldn't say no if he asked. She's just always figured he'd never even see her that way. Winking at him, she leans closer. "Maybe."

The look on his face says he can't decide if she's joking or not. He looks kinda shocked. Maybe like the way he looked with that Saffron the first time. "I'm old enough to be your daddy."

Leaning a little closer, she says, "But you ain't."

"You could be the closest I get to havin' a daughter, though."

She laughs. "Ah, Cap. That's real sweet, but it ain't true. Closest you got is River."

Putting on his best exasperated-Captain scowl, he says, "Hell. I don't remember signin' up for crazy daughters. I'm pretty sure I said sweet and smart, not crazy and smart." He scowls. "Gorram it. Jayne probably went and changed that while I weren't lookin'."

She punches him lightly on the arm. "It ain't her fault. Don't be so
mean."

"Can't help it. Got that certificate of Mean Captain I got to live up to." Then his expression gets serious, and uncomfortable. "I don't do that with crew, Kaylee."

She laughs now, loud enough that the others look their way. "I know. I was joking." Nothing like making Mal squirm. He looks a little peeved, like maybe he wanted her to be serious about it after all. Maybe Kaylee understands a little now how Inara felt around Mal. He can't never seem to say what he wants. Leaning over, she kisses his cheek, then gets up and walks out of the room.

Life ain't so bad.

End.




	Home Archives August 2007 Firefly Fic: Glamour (Kaylee, PG) [Previous entry: "Firefly Fic: Gifts (Jayne, Kaylee, PG)"] [Next entry: "Firefly Fic: After(shock) (Crew, PG)"] 08/12/2007: "Firefly Fic: Glamour (Kaylee, PG)" Title: Glamour Character: Kaylee Rating: PG Summary: The glamour fades from Kaylee's life. Disclaimer: Clearly I claim no ownership to the Firefly 'verse or its characters; nor am I making money from this fic writing thing. Little by little, the glamour fades from Kaylee's life. It started with Inara. At first, she just spent more and more time away from Serenity, taking jobs that kept her busy for days, sometimes weeks at a time. When she came back, she always said she was tired, and she didn't have as much time to trade stories with Kaylee. The next step wasn't sudden, but even after it happened, Kaylee couldn't quite believe it. Inara left the ship. Kaylee isn't sure why Inara went. Maybe it was one too many times getting hurt by a stowaway, or too many near misses with Alliance or Reavers. Maybe it was whatever was going on between her and Mal. Kaylee wouldn't have been surprised if Inara had just come out and said that Mal had driven her away, for one reason or another. But she never did. She just said she was leaving. When Inara made her announcement, Serenity wasn't real close to where she wanted to go. So there were a few weeks before she left. Still, eventually the planet was within range of Serenity's flight path, and she'd had Wash pilot her there. When Wash brought the shuttle back, Kaylee had gone inside with her tools, telling herself she had to do a checkup. It had been cold and dull, nothing like Inara's old rooms. Nothing was left of her, not small scraps of fine cloth, not even stray hairs. She'd been standing in the middle of the shuttle when the captain came in. He hadn't said much, at first just being all quiet. Finally, he'd turned to her and said, "You gonna make sure she's in running order?" "Yeah." "Good." There was a small pause before he continued, "It'll be good to have a spare shuttle sometimes. When things get rough." When don't things get rough, Kaylee wanted to ask. He was right, but she couldn't help feel like he was trying to convince himself. She moved to his side and tucked her hand inside his arm, leaning her head against his shoulder. He let her hold onto him like that for a while before leaving her alone in the shuttle.Then she got to work. So Kaylee's life, not what she'd call stable since she joined the crew, changes again. The glamour goes, and there are no more tales of fancy balls and pretty dresses. She doesn't pour through rich fabrics and have her hair brushed and put up in fashionable styles. She stops imagining Inara dancing and teasing men with the subtle ways that Kaylee knows she herself could never master or even understand. Instead, there is the steady thrum of Serenity's engine, and giggling fun with River. There are brief, formal, waves from Inara, saying how her life was good, and how she was happy, and missed Kaylee. In one wave, Inara even lets her mask slip and laughs, her eyes sparkling as she says she even misses Mal sometimes. Kaylee saves that wave. It isn't a life filled with glamour and beauty, but it isn't a bad life. And she still has Simon's shiny ways. * * * Life goes on. They got the good and the bad, and when it got real bad, the captain reminded them they are at least all still flying. There are weeks when they are at half-rations, when Kaylee even makes a stew out of the ship rats that Jayne hunts down. With the Shepherd's spices, it ain't half-bad. Then there come some good months, all in row, when things are real flush. They get good jobs, not easy, but good paying, and everyone is smiley, even Jayne. There's money to spend. After the first decent pay, while Kaylee went off and bought up a spare compression coil and extra fuel cells, Jayne took the new mule out and came back lugging baskets of fruit and vegetables. He grumbled and complained when they all swooped down on the food like it was their own. But when he thought no one was looking, she watched him, and saw the odd smile on his face, like he didn't quite know what to say in reaction to their pleasure. After that, Wash doesn't tease him for days, and even Simon sometimes laughs at Jayne's jokes. That night, Kaylee sits up late on the couch with Simon, eating oranges and exchanging stories. He tells her about more medacad hijinks, she shares her plans for upgrades to Serenity. She ends up drifting asleep on his shoulder, and when she wakes up, he smiles down at her, his eyes a little sad, like he's sorry that she'd been jarred out of her dreams. They don't say anything, and he doesn't try to kiss her or nothing, but she goes to her bunk happy and full. * * * In the middle of the good run, they stop for post. It were a rare thing, the place being out of the way, and the captain saying he couldn't justify a run for post until there was a decent amount waiting. It's a good day out, and they even manage to pick up another job, one that was on their flight path anyway. And Kaylee gets mail. Long letters written in her daddy's round writing, each word real carefully spaced; shorter notes from cousins and friends. She gets news about the family, the marriages and babies and tragedies. She cries a little, and laughs at the story about her cousin trying to start up a sheep farm. It isn't hard to imagine the scenes her daddy described, even with his simple words. She isn't the only one who got mail, neither. There's something for Inara, dusty from waiting for so long. When Mal sees it, his face goes blank for a moment. Then he hands it over to Kaylee without a word. Wash gets something from someone at his old flight school, and Zoe gets a package that has the two of them grinning and making excuses to get back to Serenity fast. And Jayne gets a short letter wrapped up in a colourful scarf. He reads the letter then, and there, slowly his lips moving. She waits, 'cause Jayne always shares what his letters say, but when he's done, he just walks out of the post office without saying a word. It's weird, but Kaylee figures maybe he's just in a pissy mood for some reason. It isn't until he comes stumbling back to Serenity hours later that she realises things ain't right. She's in the kitchen with Simon - again - when Jayne gets back in. He's drunk and has a cut above his eye, the blood dry and flaking. There're grazes on his knuckles, and a bruise forming on his cheek. He gets talkative. He sit right down between them and starts talking about his family. Kaylee tries not to gape, 'cause Jayne talking like that was about as likely as Mal. The stories are garbled and confusing, but eventually she figures out that his brother has died. "Way back. Back when we were eatin' rats." She nods. That's the trouble with the long time between mail runs. "Buried him out back, behind the house." "You can always go visit him. The grave, I mean." He nods his head vigorously, "Yep. They coulda used my help buryin' him, though. Even if he was little bitty thing." He turns to her, his face serious. "Sickly. His whole life, one thing after another, and then the damp-lung. You know." She knows. They all know about the damp-lung and people drowning in their own mucous. He fingers the scarf around his neck. It's a little worn, and there's dried blood on it too. "It was his scarf. Loved this damn thing. All the colours." There's a long silence, then Simon says Jayne should get his cut looked at. Jayne, always an affable drunk - one of the few times Kaylee really likes him - nods and stands carefully, then lets Simon half-carry him out of the room. She watches them go, smiling as Jayne suggests that after Simon had cleaned him up, they could go find Mal and get real drunk. Simon shakes his head, and Kaylee tries to imagine the three of them drunk together. Simon would probably rile Mal somehow, and end up with a punch to the mouth. It had been a while since that happened, although the last time, Simon had hit Mal right back. * * * She sits in the kitchen for a while longer, rereading the letters and daydreaming about home. River wanders in for a space, and there's some confused talk. River's getting better, little-by-little, but Kaylee figures she'll always talk in weird ways. Elliptical, Simon calls it. Kaylee likes the feel of the word. She imagines saying it against Simon's skin, rolling the word around her tongue as she works her mouth down his chest. River snaps her out of the fantasy by moving close and brushing Kaylee's forehead, sighing. "Not for him. Not like that." "What?" River shrugs and picks up Kaylee's letters, folding them into elaborate designs. * * * Eventually, she heads for bed. On her way, she swings by the infirmary to say goodnight. Simon never sleeps until real late. She figures that of all of them, only Mal sleeps less. Sure enough, a light is on, and as she walks closer, she hears muted voices. Peering around the half-open door, she sees that Jayne is still there. He's been patched up, but he's still sitting on the examining bed. He's got a glass in one hand and a bottle in the other, and it looks like he convinced Simon to take a drink after all. She looks a little closer and figures Simon's had more than one drink. As she's watching, Jayne gets off the bed and pours Simon another glassful. They toast -- "To Matty" -- and Jayne downs his drink, reaches down and pulls Simon up off his chair. Her breath catches as Jayne starts kissing Simon's neck, one hand holding Simon's shoulder. She waits for Simon to haul back and punch Jayne in the mouth, but it doesn't happen, and instead things heat up. So she backs away as quietly as she can. She wonders what Mal would have said, if he'd been the one to see that. She settles on "Huh." * * * Over the next few jobs, she backs off, but watches Simon and Jayne. There are little changes, small things that, if she wasn't looking for, she wouldn't see. That first night, she'd wondered if it would be a one-time fling. Just blowing off steam, Jayne working to keep his mind off things, and Simon being kind. Not that it's ever been in his way to indulge anyone but River. But she thinks they're doing it more regular. Sometimes, late at night when she stops by to say 'night, the infirmary is already dark. Sometimes, Simon's working and Jayne's lurking nearby. She gets the hint, and spends less time with Simon and his shiny ways and the manners that make her go all soft inside. And then, one day, it's real clear that it's over between them. The snarking starts up again, but they ain't real mean to each other. It's like they made a truce. Simon starts seeking out her company again, his manner sweet and courteous. And she knows, 'cause he's told her a little of old girlfriends, or dates gone horribly wrong, that he likes girls as well as boys. So she figures that maybe, just maybe, he could be interested in her. She tries not to think too much on being pushed aside temporarily by Jayne. It's not like Simon had made any promises to her. * * * Still, after Jayne, Kaylee starts to realise that maybe Simon isn't who she thinks. He's kind and smart, and watching him be doctorly is real neat. She likes how he's so good to River, and how he's not afraid to tell Mal his mind. He sometimes thinks up good jobs for them too, and Kaylee's glad, 'cause his ideas are always good, even if they're a little complicated. He's changed from that day back on Persephone, and Kaylee thinks she likes him more. They've been spending most of their free time together for weeks, now. Simon comes to the engine room, or she goes to the infirmary, and they talk. She shows him all about Serenity's engine, and recycling system, and he listens when she talks, and laughs at her jokes. One day he just looks at her, his face so open she almost doesn't realise that look is for her. It was the one he saves for River, and Kaylee looks around, trying to see where she is. But River isn't there, and Simon is still looking at her, his eyes wide and happy, his teeth bright and shiny. And she thinks, soon. Soon it will happen. But the next day, she comes into the kitchen, and Jayne and Simon are huddled together, and looking kind of angry, and kind of antsy. She backs away quietly, but they don't even notice, so wrapped up in each other. Later, she looks for Simon again, and finally finds him climbing up from Jayne's bunk, his clothes rumpled. He blushes when he sees her, and turns away. After that she knows she'll never have Simon, not the way she wants. It hurts, more'n Inara leaving, more'n the stops when she don't get mail, more'n a lot of things. She's sitting in the engine room thinking about it when the captain comes in and starts asking this and that...she doesn't listen, and he gets crabby with her, and then, without meaning to, she starts to cry a little. First Inara, now Simon. It ain't that life ain't good without them, just that they made things a little more shiny, a little more exotic. They were pretty things to latch onto when the 'verse started treating them all like crap. After, she thinks it's funny how the captain looked uncomfortable, coming to sit down next to her. He's awkward, and he says, "I ain't payin' for no cryin' mechanic," and it just makes her cry harder. She hears a muttered, "Ah, hell," and then he's patting her arm a little. Serenity's engine thrums behind her, and she's got a full belly and she's got coin, and a nice captain, even if he would deny it. It's a good life, and she don't need the fancy trappings. There ain't no need for crying, she knows that. She wipes her eyes and chokes back the sobs, and then sits there a while with him. Eventually, he asks, "When d'you know it weren't gonna happen?" Figures he would know what this was all about. She shrugs, her smile slightly wistful. "I ain't sure. Guess I just figured it out piece by piece." "Yeah?" "Yep." They're quiet for a space, wrapped in their own thoughts. Finally, he asks, "You all right about it?" "I guess." "It ain't you, you know. Way his kind are brought up, they don't see people like us in that light. We ain't what they think of as desirable, no matter how damn pretty and smart we might be." She laughs a little. "Cap, are you talkin' about yourself, or me?" He frowns at her. "You're pretty and damn smart, and you know it. People like Simon though, even if they see it, they ain't gonna be comfortable with it. They're brought up with expectations, and he might be out here now, but that don't mean he don't still have ideas about the right kind of person to love." Neither of them say anything, but it's clear as day the captain ain't just talking about Simon. It makes her wonder, not for the first time, but more than before, what happened with him and Inara. "But that don't make sense. Jayne -." She breaks off, 'cause she ain't sure if Mal knows. But he nods, and she's not real surprised that he picked up on them two. "Yep. Gettin' a little dirty around the edges, workin' off steam. But it ain't nothing that will last. And Kaylee-girl, you deserve someone who'll last, who can see you for all the good you are." She ain't sure what to say, 'cause he don't usually talk like this. It leaves her feeling awkward. They sit like that for a space more, and then he pushes himself up. "I got captainly duties." "Yeah. Um. Thanks." He nods. "Wash says the flight console's actin' up." And he turns around and walks out of the room, leaving Kaylee to gather up her tools and get to the bridge. * * * Days later, they're all relaxing, as Serenity moves them to the next job. In the lounge, the kitchen, they've all gathered, happy-like. Wash and Zoe are curled up, talking and looking happy. Simon's occupied with River, but Jayne's giving him the eye. Mal's watching them all, but keeps to himself, mostly. She sighs a little, and it makes Mal turn her way. He walks over to her, smiling. "What's with the sighin'?" Looking around, she gestures at the others. "Don't you ever get a little lonely? It's just - lookin' at Wash and Zoe, and even Jayne - I'm just a little lonely." His brow creases slightly. "Kaylee. Are you makin' a pass at me?" His voice is real quiet. And she isn't, not really, but it's a fun idea to tease him a little with it. Besides, she wouldn't say no if he asked. She's just always figured he'd never even see her that way. Winking at him, she leans closer. "Maybe." The look on his face says he can't decide if she's joking or not. He looks kinda shocked. Maybe like the way he looked with that Saffron the first time. "I'm old enough to be your daddy." Leaning a little closer, she says, "But you ain't." "You could be the closest I get to havin' a daughter, though." She laughs. "Ah, Cap. That's real sweet, but it ain't true. Closest you got is River." Putting on his best exasperated-Captain scowl, he says, "Hell. I don't remember signin' up for crazy daughters. I'm pretty sure I said sweet and smart, not crazy and smart." He scowls. "Gorram it. Jayne probably went and changed that while I weren't lookin'." She punches him lightly on the arm. "It ain't her fault. Don't be so mean." "Can't help it. Got that certificate of Mean Captain I got to live up to." Then his expression gets serious, and uncomfortable. "I don't do that with crew, Kaylee." She laughs now, loud enough that the others look their way. "I know. I was joking." Nothing like making Mal squirm. He looks a little peeved, like maybe he wanted her to be serious about it after all. Maybe Kaylee understands a little now how Inara felt around Mal. He can't never seem to say what he wants. Leaning over, she kisses his cheek, then gets up and walks out of the room. Life ain't so bad. End.